RETURN TO SENDER

King Hearing Casts Muslim Americans as Clueless – The Nation

Dear Muslim Americans,

It’s been a while. You probably thought we wouldn’t follow up on the 9/11 follow-up of persecuting you and throwing that cousin of yours in ‘Guantanamo’ for selling marijuana to a Senator’s daughter, but here we are again. Although we, the upstanding citizens of the United States of America, never really knew you existed before September 11th, and haven’t bothered to understand you since, you have certainly always provided us with sensible comedic material, and one can’t put a price on that. But, you must understand, September 11th constitutes a deep scar on the stars and stripes in our red, white and blue hearts which have bled for our dead countrymen and will continue to do so as long as we don’t find a plug to clog the pain still seeping through, therefore we must ask you why you are all the spitting image of a terrorist. It’s a legitimate question, and objectively you haven’t been able to procure us with an appropriate answer. As I gaze upon the American horizon with all its Yellowstone Parks and Grand Canyons and Mount Rushmores, and I begin to levitate with patriotism, I cannot help but choke on the grief I feel when I see that you are still allowed to rest your head on this great country that is the United States of America. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure a bunch of you are great people, but why must you continue to taunt us, and mock the memory of our dead heroes, by continuing to pray to your malevolent God on your flea-ridden rugs of death, don your veils of terror, your beards of tyranny, and eat our babies? Hey, it’s not your fault. You don’t know any better! Why wouldn’t you help your brother build a trip-wire triggered pipe bomb and post in the mail for him if he asked you? He’s family, and family comes first. You are yourself subject to radical propaganda like the lot of us, but because of the religion you practice, you are more vulnerable to ideology swings. Why would you love this country, you’re Muslim. We understand. We are just trying to help you understand what is happening to your community. Do not doubt Peter King’s intentions as chairman of the House Homeland Security Committee. Joe McCarthy helped our great nation weed out the bad apples, distinguish the ‘reds’ from the ‘red and blues’. Peter King is trying to accomplish the same for a new generation. If anyone is to hold fair, constructive hearings, his IRA-supporting rants should be evidence enough that he understands your people. Furthermore, he has allowed no actual American Muslim expert to testify, so we can find comfort in that the hearings will not be infiltrated by any of your free world hating brethren. Now we could beat around the bush all day, toss around ‘hypotheticallys’ and ‘what ifs’ as we attempt to “humus you up”, but really as the issue seems to lie in the terrifying, nebulous depths of your pious minds, the question asks itself: must you really provoke us and be so obstinate in your desire to remain Muslim? Think about it.

With Love And Compassion,

America

Note-worthy: “No one is disputing that terrorists with professed religious motivations pose a violent threat. But as Ellison made plain in his testimony, extremists “are individuals, not a community.””

DARN TOOTIN’ AY-RABS

Islam in Tennessee: An uncivil action – The Economist

Recently filed under “What Else Is New?” and “Whoopty-damn-doo”, religious tolerance and cultural embrace are under attack in this fair nation’s Sun Belt. The state of Tennessee has inherited the war on terror, seeking to sanction a handful of Muslims, representing the Islamic Centre of Murfreesboro, who look to avoid praying five times a day on the neighborhood sidewalks and instead move into larger spaces that could potentially accommodate their newly-hired intern, brand-new espresso machine and newly converted, red, white and blue-blood local Eustice Van-Damn, quoted as “looking to bring pitchforks to the terrorist cause”.

In celebration of its distinguished diversity, Tennessee locals, otherwise known as cowboys, associated all Muslims with the notoriously fundamentalist perceptions of ‘sharia law’ at the bi-daily local country bee-bop hoedown, reaffirming their plans to “posse up” and break out the ol’ lynching ropes. Local mayor Cletus Clifton, often spotted at the local shooting range, and his wife/cousin, who goes by the single appellation ‘Bambi’,  reiterated this hillbilly thought process at the weekly “Klan meeting”, usually attended by 100% of the locals, where members voiced a longing for pre-civil war days and publicly made sweet love to their Confederate flags.

And so it was as avid wife-swappers and high school dropouts alike stormed the courthouse in earnest protest of the new mosque and community centre which they feel threaten their southern ideals, which at press time could not be located. Plaintiffs pledged their undying love for the state, before realizing they had been confusing ‘Tennessee’ with ‘Hennessy’.

When pressed on his questionable stereotyping of Southern Americans, this blogger was not available for comment.

Note-worthy: “…on the stand he admitted, “I am not an expert on sharia, but I have talked a lot about it as a threat.””

MARS ATTACKS

KUHNER: Obama’s Islamic agenda – Washington Times

Al-Qaeda’s/Muslims’ master plan is only now coming to fruition. Ten years following the deadliest attack on US soil (actually Pearl Harbor wins by a couple hundred casualties, but who’s counting), our worst fears are materializing. The 9/11 strike was but a decoy,  a fiendishly devilish ploy to draw our attention away from the big picture and instead have us searching for solace by hunting ghosts and providing the gift of liberty to people who just don’t know any better. While our soldiers were busy taking group pictures for their annual holiday cards at local detention centers and crashing traditional wedding ceremonies in hopes of getting better acquainted with the local specimens of the fairer sex, al-Qaeda/Islam was laying the groundwork in anticipation of the coup de grace for their mischievous scheme: erecting a mosque/headquarters in downtown Manhattan, just two blocks from Ground Zero. This Houdini-inspired ruse succeeded, and our enemies are no longer at the gates but right in our backyard. Technology not being what it used to be, and the two other mosques located 3 blocks away being just too far from the A and C subway lines, proximity to the hallowed grounds of the World Trade Center was crucial. Agents/Cab drivers plan to use their binoculars in order to gaze upon their past glory and ridicule passerby’s from their third floor balcony vantage point by playing unflattering games necessitating saliva and accuracy, all the while overindulging themselves with Dunkin’ Donuts. None of this would have ever been possible without the proper geographical location.

If this sounds preposterous it is because no one believes it isn’t. G.O.P. wasted no time in turning this controversy into a disruptive political issue, knowing even they could not pull off making this look like a terrorist attempt at incursion (some black sheep have strayed from this game plan). They instead decided to take the ethos route, asking ‘why there’? It is a legitimate question. It is their right. It is their first amendment’s right just as much as anyone else’s, but must they exercise it two blocks away from the site of a tragedy still so fresh in so many minds, knowing full well that rarely can you find a more sensitive issue than that of the September 11 attacks? In the end, as inscrutable a debate as this may be, the answer should essentially be ‘why not’. If one does not actually hold the sordid belief that this Islamic center poses an immediate threat, then the only reasoning behind opposing its construction is the understandable yet illogical association of Islam with terrorist activities. Beyond the notion of religious freedom, would it not be a better idea, if only for the sake of our principles lying above those of extremist idealists, to “ally” ourselves with the Muslim population against our common enemy: those who misinterpret the Qur’an.

Obama’s reaction to the Ground Zero Mosque aside, which I would hardly characterize as “embracing”, it is an arduous task to debate the issue with a critic who qualifies Obama’s desire to strengthen Muslim-American relations as a negative approach. By no means is America devalorizing itself by sending the Muslim world a positive message i.e. that it appreciates their culture and hopes for more encompassing peaceful relations.  Mr. Kuhner’s incredulous belief that Obama’s affirmation of his Muslim heritage is reason for agitation seems bigotedly narrow-minded, to say the most. There is a certain tip-toeing process to be undertaken in this issue. All advocates of a peaceful world were victims in the early hours of that tragic day, and some obviously more so than others, but one must point his guns in the right direction, and as a matter of fact know when to holster them. Labeling an Islamic community center neighboring Ground Zero a “monument of victory” is a narrow-sightedness unworthy of a nation supposed to be above its offenders.  The debate rages on, and with purpose. Could we keep the discussion relevant?

Note-worthy: “He is the most Muslim-friendly president in the nation’s history. He wants the detention center at Guantanamo Bay closed. […] And he is prematurely withdrawing combat troops from Iraq, threatening to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory”